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ARTICLE : Subramuniyaswami on suicide in Hindu families
>From Hinduism Today, December Edition,
first in our new color magazine format.
copyright 1996 Himalayan Academy
We invite your comments sent to:
letters@hinduism.today.kauai.hi.us
PUBLISHER'S DESK
Suicide: a Case of Parental Pressures
Guiding through intimidation,
Coercion and abuse doesn't win respect from kids
by Satguru Sivaya Subramuniyaswami
Teenagers are suffering the pangs of sex, desire and distrust,
independence and all sorts of other emotions. They are as if ill
during this time. In Moscow one cold 1990 winter evening, the
astrophysicist Carl Sagan told me they are poisoned by their own
hormones. For boys, he called it "testosterone poisoning." This
observation is nothing new. Over two thousand years ago, the Greek
philosopher Plato lamented, "What is happening to our young people?
They disrespect their elders. They disobey their parents. They riot in
the street, inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying.
What is to become of them?" Sound familiar? Parents now, as then, must
be the mother, father, nurse and doctor. I say that because they are
as if incapacitated, needing healing and special care. And not
unimportantly, when a patient is delirious, the nurse does not pay all
that much attention to the ranting and ravings. Similarly, reason does
not mean the same thing to you as it does to your teenager. So, be a
friend. Both parents must talk privately together and work out a
strategy for the next seven years, from age 13 to 19. It will be over
in only seven years and all will be well.
Soon, they will be raising their children in the very same way you
raised yours, with deep appreciation for how you had the patience, the
willpower, the forbearance and the love-mainly love-to raise them and
endure their unending stress. Those of you who have children in the
testosterone and estrogen years, proceed with confidence. Keep smiling
and keep loving. Keep remembering your teenage years. That may help
unstress the stress that is daily making you both stronger and
stronger.
When you have successfully performed your seven-year tapas of
stressful fire in bearing up under the strain and pain of the
teenager, truly you will enjoy great satisfaction and be able to sit
back and smile. Have compassion and give some leniency, for during
this time they are all mixed up and emotionally frustrated inside;
they are, truly they are. They are facing an uncertain future in an
unsure world, becoming adult, keeping in with their peers, keeping in
with their parents, striving for excellence in education, facing
marriage, job, career and community expectations.
No wonder so many become suicidal, because their parents just don't
understand and are not there for them at a time when they truly need
them. Don't let this happen in your family. Please don't. Be a stern
but loving Mom. Be a strong but understanding Dad. Be a gentle nurse.
Be a wise doctor. And, most of all, be a good friend-their friend,
their closest friend-during this tumultuous, turbulent, troublesome
time called teenage.
Here is a suicide letter a Malaysian Hindu girl wrote before she
attempted to end her life at age 18. One of the reasons she cited was
too much pressure from her parents. Too much verbal abuse and, we can
assume, physical abuse, starting with pinching, then slapping, leading
to uncontrolled beatings, as simply a way of life. Is this Hindu
culture? It threatens to become so.
Dear Mom and Dad: You'll never understand why I did this. Never. In
your opinion, you always did what was best for me. You always knew
what was best for me. You always believed I was your naive,
irresponsible little girl who always needed your hand to hold onto.
You thought it was necessary to use the sharp edge of your tongue to
keep me on the "right track."
I never had any say in my own life. Did you realize that that "right
track" became a psychological prison for me? That your leading hand
became a set of chains for me? That the sharp side of your tongue got
to be a barbed wire that was continuously lashing out at me? No, you
never did. Didn't you ever stop to think that maybe I should have some
say in what I wanted to do with my life? You decided which college
would be the right one for me to attend and what academic field I
should go into. The college, of course, had to be the most prestigious
and elite one so you could brag to your friends about it. You never
thought that maybe I wanted something more than school and books, but
that was never important to you. You only wanted me to achieve
academically so your friends would be duly impressed. That was the
same reason that you wanted me to become a doctor. I didn't want
anything to do with it.
You never realized that maybe I had wanted a social life. To make real
friends for once in my life. When I told you that, you scoffed at me
and told me that we Indians were so much superior that we didn't need
to deal with "them." There was never anything in my life that you let
me have any control over. When I finally met someone who meant
something to me, you two couldn't handle the fact that maybe someday I
would learn to control my own life and rid myself of your
manipulations. So, then you decided who it was that I was going to see
and who it was that I didn't. You forced me to break the first real
relationship that I ever had in my life. I was constantly harassed by
you about him. You told me that I was disgracing the family name.
"…what would everyone say?" You destroyed everything for me.
This "relationship" between us is nothing but a farce. And there is no
reason to continue it. I have searched for some way to escape you, but
I have come up empty handed. Now you must live with this guilt. I hope
you will never be able to forgive yourself.
She lived through this ordeal. In contacting our editors, she
testified that she now knows suicide is not the way out and allowed
the publishing of this very personal letter with the hope that her
battle with suicide would help others-parents and children-deal better
with problems before they reach hopelessness.
FROM THE VEDAS
Let Harmony Reign
Discord among members of a family is the most devastating force in the
world. This fact was no secret to wise ones thousands of years ago, as
the following verses from the Vedas record.
"Of one heart and mind I make you, devoid of hate. Love one another as
a cow loves the calf she has borne. Let the son be courteous to his
father, of one mind with his mother. Let the wife speak words that are
gentle and sweet to her husband. Never may brother hate brother or
sister hurt sister. United in heart and purpose, commune sweetly
together. I will utter a prayer for such concord among family members
as binds together the Gods, among whom is no hatred. Be courteous,
planning and working in harness together. Approach conversing
pleasantly, like-minded, united."
Atharva Veda Samhita 3.30.1-5
"O man and woman, having acquired knowledge from the learned, proclaim
amongst the wise the fact of your intentions of entering the married
life. Attain to fame, observing the noble virtue of nonviolence, and
uplift your soul. Shun crookedness. Converse together happily. Living
in a peaceful home, spoil not your life. Spoil not your progeny. In
this world, pass your life happily, on this wide earth full of
enjoyment!"
Shukla Yajur Veda Samhita 5.17
